In the Beginning
T’was the night before Christmas at the start of this poem
The Gypsy King’s family was happy at home
Tyson sat next to his children and missus
Full of good cheer and giving out kisses
There was happiness, laughter, contentment, and love
Then came a crash on the roof up above
Followed by moaning and groaning . . . “Oh, my!
I’ve broken my leg,” they heard Santa Claus cry.
Tyson brought Santa Claus down from the roof.
“Oh, what a blunder! Oh, what a goof!
Oh, what a mess,” Santa Claus wailed.
Then Santa’s rosy-red pudgy cheeks paled.
“Can’t travel,” said Santa. “My leg hurts real bad.
Children all over the world will be sad.
No presents this Christmas, that’s how it will be.
It’s the worst thing that ever has happened to me.”
“Oh, this is terribly sad,” Tyson cried.
“It will bring heartache to children worldwide
There has to be something that I can do
To help in this moment of crisis for you?”
Then Tyson sat Santa Claus down by the fire
And stared at the flames as they rose ever higher.
He furrowed his brow ever deeper in thought
And clenched his fists just like he did when he fought.
He clenched them so hard that his face turned bright red
And a great inspiration came into his head
“I’ve got it,” he said. “I know what I’ll do.
I’ll deliver the presents and pretend that I’m you.”
“There’s a problem, said Santa. “You’re a really big fellow.
And your suit looks like draperies from a bordello
Children will tremble and cry out in fright
If they stay up till midnight and see you tonight.”
“Nonsense,” said Tyson. “I’m a big cuddly chap.
Children are eager to sit on my lap.”
“All right,” said Santa. “But before you deliver
There are rules to be followed if you’re the gift-giver.
“Now and then someone will make a request.
I’ve got a long list of which presents are best.
As a substitute Santa, please take my advice.
Bring this list with you and read it through twice.”
Then Santa gave Tyson a long list to read
So Tyson would understand how to proceed
T’was a task for a King; it would take him all night.
But Tyson was certain that he’d get it right.
Gennady wants judges who see things his way
Terence wants Errol with no more delay
Claressa wants one more fight just like the last
Don King would like to go back to the past
Both of the Charlos want love and respect
Eddie Hearn wants to see Queensberry wrecked.
Frank Warren would like Eddie Hearn to be quiet
DAZN would like someone to come in and buy it
Triller would like to pick up a quick buck
Lou DiBella has asked for a change in his luck
A.J. requested a future that’s sunny
All of the sanctioning bodies want money
Probellum asks that we solemnly pray
That people forget all about MTK
And Deontay fervently hopes that it’s true
That he’ll never again have a fight against you
Adrien Broner wants less time in jail
Andy Ruiz wants less weight on the scale
Amanda Serrano wants Katie again
For a payday as big as they give to the men
Michael Buffer would like boxing fans to all rumble
Most people want Pretty Boy to be humble
Joe Joyce now lusts for a big money fight
And Dillian would like to end each bout upright
Jake Paul has written that he’s in distress
He’d like to know how he got into this mess
And musicians would like to hear more songs divine
Like Hatton’s Blue Moon and Sweet Caroline
Sky Sport would like Ben Shalom to succeed
Ring 8 wants cash to help fighters in need
Paco wants favors too many to mention
Gareth A. Davies wants lots of attention
Conor Benn says as a fighter he’s clean
And wants no more talking about Clomifene
Clean fighters want to see more funds for VADA
Whose testing is light-years ahead of USADA
Gervonta wants Ryan. And Ryan wants him
But the chances of that ever happening are slim
And no surprise here; Top Rank wrote in to say
It wants everyone to do all things its way
Canelo wants more belts to put round his waist
And the memory of fighting vs. Bivol erased
Lennox would like to be able to claim
That he knocked you spark out in a video game
Fans everywhere would like more fights for free
With only the megafights on pay-TV
The fans also want to see judges who score
Like an impartial jurist instead of a whore
Matt Christie wants good health for all of the fighters
And a much bigger budget to pay for his writers
And here’s a request made to Santa’s chief elf
Al Haymon wants all of the toys for himself
In the End
On Christmas Eve, Tyson did just what he said
With toys piled high on the back of his sled
He went round the world in the spirit of joy
Giving out presents to each girl and boy
It made him feel good, and the part he liked best
Was wherever he went, to the East or the West
To the North or the South, lower or higher
Children left cookies and milk by the fire
He thought all the sweets were a wonderful treat
He ate every one, a remarkable feat
And I heard Tyson say when he came home that night,
“My stomach is stuffed, and my pants are too tight.”
Thomas Hauser’s email address is email@example.com. His most recent book – In the Inner Sanctum: Behind the Scenes at Big Fights – was published by the University of Arkansas Press. In 2004, the Boxing Writers Association of America honored Hauser with the Nat Fleischer Award for career excellence in boxing journalism. In 2019, Hauser was selected for boxing’s highest honor – induction into the International Boxing Hall of Fame.